The Loss and The Lost

Although there is a piece of me that has a void, a black hole, I will be ok

There is a part of me that will never be the same

There are pieces of me that are going through and making changes

I sense a paradigm shift

I am not, nor will I ever be the same

I feel like I am in a mist, a fog

Sometimes, I percieve I am in a dream, rather a nightmare

Now and then I dont feel anything at all

I know a piece of me is actually missing (as if an actual body part was gone, but this is a spiritual piece)

I feel deeply brief spurts of fear and also comfort

I grieve with concise eruptions of reality and what reality really is

Then I quickly switch back to my own reality (the one where everything is ok, nothing has changed)

I wonder how long it will be until i have to face reality permantly, not just in small sessions

I am pained by disblief and confusion

I feel overwhelmed

I sense the need to fix everything and yet I can fix nothing

I taste frustration, helplessness

I feel scared and lost

I dont feel the closeness I thought I would, I cant tell if he is there

I know restructure is in order

For me it is as if my sight was suddenly taken away

I have memories of my vision

But I am now having to feel my way through the darkness

Stumbling around, pretending I am fine and I can do all the same things the same way

This is not reality though, I will never do everything in the same way again

As blindness heightens your senses (smell, hearing, touch) So does death

In the darkness, your other sense of love, caring, compassion, respect, appreciation and understanding are heighten

You experience an enlightenment like no other

As the days pass the darkness lightens ever so slightly day by day, from black to grey

The say time heals all things but you can never really heal the void that  death brings

And so I put the first piece of the patchwork on my heart, to cover the piece that is forever missing. I love you Dad.

Angela Hoxsie

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